Stuck in the middle.

I’m torn by that fact that it might’ve my fault.

            ….. I’m probably the reason why things turned out this way.

                                              I don’t know how to fix this……..

                   And this may sound bad but,

                         I hate how you’re going along with this, and leaving it as it is.

That’s what I always tell people, and that’s what I always hear.

Well, the thing is, I can’t. I cant cry on my own anymore. I’ve realized that I’m tired; and that my body wont let me cry.

So…….. everything is bottled up, and I feel shittier than ever.

And I’m not gonna lie. Yes, I’m not okay. I’m scared, I’m worried as fuck.

And when I told you that I’ll tell you everything, I meant it. I meant it when I said you can trust me, and I meant it when I said I trusted you.

The top twos.

1. The ones who I can definitely trust, but I can’t seem to let them know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just I don’t want to bother you and I don’ feel comfortable showing this side of me that doesn’t usually show itself when I’m around you. I know you guys have your own stories, and I just rather help you out than think about whatever I got to go through.

2. The ones that I can talk to about anything and everything. ( does not mean these people mean more or less that the people up there^) It’s weird, I dont know how to describe it. But I dont feel like a burden, and for some reason, when I talk to these people, all my worries somewhat disappear.

[———there are also ones in between———-]

You were one of the people I could talk to about everything. But for some reason when you asked me what’s up, I felt like it was just something you forced yourself to do, and it seemed like you didnt have anything else in mind to talk about. But then again I may be wrong, since I’m just assuming (assuming shit is bad ): ). I don’t know. I’m just not really comfortable telling you anything. We’re just really drifting apart (I start to over think), to the point where I don’t really know you anymore. Is something up in your life? I hope not because, you told me there wasn’t ( I really hope you’re doing well). But then again, you kind of don’t tell me things anymore, and I get worried when I find out. It’s cool though, I mean you dont have to tell me everything -.- We got our own lives and shit to deal with… But itd be nice to know if something big was happening because you know I tend to panic when I hear things from other people (I cant tell how serious it is, and i guess I start to over exaggerate.) Any way, I really do love you, you’re one of my closest friends, and even if I can’t really bring myself to tell you anything, or bring back our old days, you’ll still remain as someone important to me,

nothing more, nothing less.

It’s my last year. I means so much to me. Its worth as much as my first and second year. I’m not gonna be more chill or relaxed than our fall season. I’m in fall comp mode, I want to get shit done. I don’t have much time left with you guys. I want to build a bond. I want to make this last year for us, this 3rd year, this 2nd year, this FIRST year, to be amazing. I want to CRY. I cant do that anymore. I want to cry a good cry. Cry tears of joy, knowing that I gave it my all and all our  hard work paid off. I want to cry because I’m proud of all of you, proud that you all overcame your obstacles and that you guys are ready to lead and continue on next year. I want to cry because we finally made it, and we did it, together. I want to make us the strongest, cleanest, sharpest, and most motivated team out there. I want people to feel our passion for this team, to see how much this team means to us. When we play our first beat, our first few hits, it should capture every ones attention, and send shivers down their spine. It should let people know   that shit is getting serious  and that we’re gonna give them some thing more than what they expected. That first hit, up to our last, should be strong, why? Because being strong represents our team, it shows how strong we are as a team, as a family, and how hard we’ve worked to get to where we are. All eyes on us. I want that crowd to become silent, to stare at us in amazement, awestruck at what we can do. I want that crowd speechless—-unable to say anything bad about us, unable to say anything about us, except : ”Rewind, I wanna see that again…” and ”They deserve first place.”

No matter how many times I tell myself I want to give up. IM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. IM NOT. IM NOT GOING TO BECOME LAZY. I’M GOING TO WORK JUST AS HARD, EVEN HARDER TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, TO GET THE TEAM TOGETHER.

-Feeling a bit invisible

-It’s diff, but whatever makes you happy. You do your thing, and I’ll do mine.

-Becoming more independent.

-32

-I want rainy days.

-Halloween soon, my fav, but not as excited. Hurry up and come soon though so I can be with everyone :)

-Christmas, rainy days+ friends+family+happy +love+laughter, I’m really looking forward to that right now.

-I really want to just go somewhere amazingly breathtaking, and pretty. Be alone for a bit, I want just lay down, relax, forget about everything, listen to music, draw, write down my thoughts, do things I love, and do other things I haven’t been able to do in awhile.

-Mom, dad. I love you. I wish I could spend more time with you two.

- Give it everything, it might be your last.

-Ok. Lets go.

For some reason, my heart feels like its being weighed down.

I’m fucking tired, but then again, who isnt ?

And im over thinking too much.

Why cant there be more time in the world?

I really just want to give up. Sigh.

But I know I wont.

Time for me to break through the limit of my limitations. Does that make sense? I hope so, because I plan to go on a whole new level (without hurting myself or anyone else). Giving > 200%